Why do I loathe kitten heels so darned much? An investigation

Ah, kitten heels. Love ’em or hate ’em, the teeny heel on the almost flat shoe trend seems to have solidified its presence in the past couple of years. Unfortunately, their resurgence and prominence in the fashion world (particularly those J’Adior slingbacks) has not encouraged me to jump on the bandwagon. In fact, it has done quite the opposite.

I severely dislike kitten heels. I understand hate is a very strong word, but I’m pretty darned close. I shudder at the thought of someone designing a gorgeous flat shoe and saying “You know what would really make this shoe REALLY great? A tiny, completely ridiculous heel!”

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It is only fair for me to explain why the kitties are not for me, so I have taken the liberty of listing why my hair stands on end at the thought of wearing a pair below (But hey, let’s be honest, they probably don’t want me wearing THEM either):

  1. I’m short
    I’m short. I’m 5’3″(I think) in fact. The fact of the matter is, when I wear heels, it’s because I want to be taller. Heels make my legs look nicer, and I don’t have to strain my neck at events to look people in the eye. Kitten heels offer me none of those benefits- Low to the ground- check. Neck strain-check. Kitten heels were clearly created for those of us who have already achieved lofty heights naturally, and love a completely pointless lawn aerator on each hoof.
  2. I have nowhere to wear them
    I have two types of shoes. High heels and not high heels. I have flats for the beach, sneakers for when I’m walking somewhere, and heels for parties and events. Kitten heels, unfortunately for me, don’t qualify to represent themselves in any capacity at any of these places above.
  3. They remind me of the first pair of “Fashion” shoes I got when I was 15
    Oh lordy, full disclosure here, but I had a pair of kitten heels when I was about 15(?). They were hand me downs from my mum.
    They were my first pair of pointed toe shoes with a slingback to boot, and I remember them clear as day because as slightly uncomfortable as I was, I felt kinda cool when they were paired with my grey stretch wide leg pants (eesh) and a really faded tight red Roxy t shirt that I clung to for dear life. The shoes were red on the inside and definitely not leather. I would prefer not to re-live that time in my life, thank you very much.

I will never say never (I’ve done it before to mom jeans, mules, among many others) but right now, I’m going to leave the kitties to the well heeled, tally willowy women you see at Paris FW and well, everyone else who wears them right now. Maybe I’ll revisit when my ankles are no longer strong enough to be able to teeter on my Pigalle 120’s any more.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not judging those who can wear this style of heel and look good doing so, I unfortunately am just not one of them. When faced with articles about dressing for your shape, I also believe that dressing for your stature holds some value as well.

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Oh crap, that reminds me- I also had a HORRIFIC pair of lime green kitten heeled jelly jandals when I was 18. 18!!!!! Oh my word the mid 2000’s were a cruel mistress.

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